Touch as Therapy

Co-regulation = Closeness with somebody else in order to restore emotional balance. (yours or theirs)

When do you receive touch in everyday life?

Chances are the answer is from your romantic partner, provided you have one. There may be a few hand shakes sprinkled in. If you are fortunate, you share multiple hugs a day, with friends. And if you have one, your dog may be your primary partner for physical co-regulation.

Let’s look at your past:

Remember where you came from? Yes, that’s right, your mother’s body. If you weren’t particularly unlucky, you were nursed as a child, held in your parents’ arms, passed to grand parents, and close, trusted friends. Later, with growing independence as a toddler and then a young child, touch became rarer. You learned to stand on your own two feet. You were probably still crawling into your parents’ or siblings’ bed from time to time. Sought out comfort and co-regulation during thunder storms or after a bloody knee.

But the older you got, the smaller the social acceptance for physical connection got. As a boy, chances are there was a level of societal homophobia instilled in you: the only way you would touch other boys now was during sport or in fights. Everything else was considered as “gay” and consciously or subconsciously regarded as bad.

I can’t speak for a girl’s experience. From my observation, being a girl may have allowed for marginally more affection. However, you probably became aware of the possibility to be taken advantage of, and being physically exploited.

But has the need for co-regulation decreased?

Life has changed: Emotional challenges may no longer come from thunder storms and bloody knees. But they have been replaced with school and work stresses. With financial worries, health-scares and, of course, the never-ending flood of bad news from around the world.

Alexander Milov’s 2015 Burning Man sculpture captures the desire for connection in all ages perfectly.

I think it’s safe to say that grown-up nervous systems are confronted with the same amount of dysregulation as those of most kids.

As an adult, you may primarily receive touch and closeness from your romantic partner, a few friends (very fleetingly and usually as a greeting, which doesn’t allow you to lean in), and maybe a pet.

That is not enough.

Chances are that your partner’s nervous system suffers from many of the same stresses as yours. After all, “you share a life.” On top of that, there are many stresses coming from your relationship that can’t be regulated solely within the connection.

I suggest you diversify and have multiple, conscious situations in which you receive touch.

Some great places to start with are martial arts such as Jiu-Jitsu, acro yoga, and dance. We are not looking for cuddles here but we will receive (and provide) physical touch as a by-product of the hobby we practice. Do you think this is an odd suggestion? Does this feel inappropriate, to engage in these activities with the intention to receive touch? Who says that other participants aren’t? Not everybody may be aware of it, but if you love to “roll” multiple times a week, you can’t tell me that you don’t derive some level of enjoyment of the closeness, the intimacy you share with the other combatants. And if you do, I’d say do some digging, some shadow work and you may find that I was right.

Here an extract from a reddit post on the topic in BJJ:

I don’t think I need to say more about the connection experience during dance.

A good, safe massage will aid with the creation of the relevant, calming hormones, too. Even a visit to a chiropractor or physio-therapist, or hair dresser can help!

These are some great starting points to invite more touch and physical co-regulation into your life. However, I encourage you, since you have read this far, and are clearly interested in this topic, to bring in more consciousness.

Exercise:

Ask a close friend, somebody who you trust and want to deepen your connection with. Somebody who has proven themselves capable in holding you in verbal shares.

Lean in.

Ask your friend if they are open to experimenting with physical co-regulation. Begin small. After agreeing to try this out, a good starting point can be to set a 3-minute timer, and sit on the floor, back to back. Feel each other’s breath. notice what comes up. there may be some discomfort. Or elation. Stay for the set time before breaking contact and sharing about your experience.

Speak from the Self, “I noticed…”, “I felt…”

A next step could be to hold hands. With your eyes closed, or while eye gazing.

These are reciprocal forms of co-regulation. You can also have a Giver and a Receiver:

One of you can rest against the wall offering the other to lean into their arms. Again, start with a 3-5-minute timer to have a clear start and end point if this is new for you.

It is quite possible that strong emotions come up. There many be tears, and or powerful feelings of love, or gratitude. These are normal, healthy responses. Keep in mind that emotions are just that: Emotions. You do not have to act on them. Experience them and come back to yourself.

Journal about your experiences and meet yourself with curiosity and openness.

If you are interested in diving into this but don’t feel confident to jump in with a friend, I encourage you to book a session with me. I offer both, bodywork (for you to receive) and Embodied Coaching (for you to get inspired and learn).

We also hold community events supporting you on your journey. These are a great place to meet others who want more connection and depth in their lives.

You can find these offerings in Services and Events. You can also contact me directly if you have any questions.